Blogging is one of those things that I think I'm actually pretty good at when I do it consistently. Kinda like diet and exercise in that respect, huh? ;-) VERY similar, in fact. When I'm on a roll and doing well, life is good.... but when I get off track, everything pretty much goes to hell, and I'd just as soon crawl under a rock. Of course, sooner or later, it's back to reality for me. *sigh*
I started my Happiness Project in January with every good intention of continuing it, but even in the second half of January I was already getting down on myself about my lack of success. Things started out ok, but I struggled with maintaining even those few things that I had set out to do to take care of myself, and as week after week passed, it just went from bad to worse. Before I knew it, February had come and gone without my so much as choosing a Happiness project theme for that month.... and so on. Pretty soon I was looking at March and wondering how the time had passed so quickly.
It's not like things were all bad... I don't want to give that impression, because I definitely did some of the things that I had planned to. February vacation was actually a high point. Not only did I get some time to myself (my sister treated me to a manicure and lunch, I made it to the gym several times, I enjoyed some time scrapbooking with friends, etc.), but Arthur and I also made a decent amount of progress cleaning out part of the basement and reorganizing it, and we enjoyed some family time with the boys. By the time vacation was over, I was actually ready to return to school, which was a great feeling. :) However, my self-care was really sporadic at best... I felt as though I was short-changing myself and not living up to what I set out to do. The feelings of "guilt" about failing again at something were eating away at me and making me feel worse... not that there were probably many visible signs of this, but inside I knew that I was letting myself down. There's no fooling yourself, you know? Doesn't work.
Since I knew that the Happiness Project as I was currently seeing it really wasn't inspiring me much for some reason, I decided to think about things a little differently. I decided that rather than choosing a different theme and moving on from the first month (or starting over), I wanted to really just make my whole project about taking better care of myself, in whatever ways were necessary. That would be my ongoing theme for the time being, and that would be enough. In my thinking, I cannot become a better wife/mother/teacher without first becoming a better "Lori" to myself. I need to be selfish, for lack of a better word. I need to put myself first sometimes, even when that little voice might be telling me that I shouldn't. This is my mission.
At the beginning of March, I made a decision that I was done letting food control me. Too many times I have let one bad food choice snowball into a day, week, or more of unhealthy eating.... and the results are disastrous. Going off plan this winter resulted in a weight gain of about 10 pounds in the course of a month... more than 20 since the start of school. It stopped the day that I got on the scale and it read 193.6.... WAY too close to 200 for my liking. When I began my weight loss journey in 2007, I was at 232. When I reached "One-derland", I swore to myself that I would NEVER see the 200's again... and yet here I was within 6 pounds of doing just that. WTF?? NO. NO. NO. I could not and would not let that happen. I worked too hard to lose that weight in the first place, and I was not going to quit. That day was March 7. On April 4, I weighed in at 179.6. Heading in the right direction! :)
